In my work with large organizations on their highest-stakes negotiations, I often meet people who tell me, "I am not really cut out to be a negotiator. I'm too nice." But it turns out, being "nice" can actually be a great help in negotiations.
Getting to Yes, the bible of problem-solving negotiations, famously advised us to "be soft on the people and hard on the problem.” I wholeheartedly agree with that advice (in the interest of full disclosure, I later co-authored a book with Roger Fisher, called Getting Ready to Negotiate: The Getting to Yes Workbook). What I want to explore here is when we have to do more and actually seek to build relationships as we negotiate.
Relationships And Trust
The difference in a negotiator's ability to create value when they have a good working relationship with their counterpart and when they don't is stark.
When we have some ability to trust, we share more information, which enables both sides to get more creative about how to solve problems; when the parties are rewarded for having shared some information and worked collaboratively, that reinforces and strengthens their willingness to do so, and the virtuous cycle continues.
On the other hand, when we can't trust the other side, we can't share much beyond the most basic of our demands, but without understanding what each party is solving for, neither side can come up with valuable possible solutions.
The negotiation gets stuck between inflexible demands and progresses only through painful concessions; the parties conclude they were "right not to trust them," and the downward spiral continues. A positive relationship contributes to creating value; the lack of one detracts from it.
The working relationship also matters beyond the negotiation. Any deal that requires doing something together after signing is going to face some ambiguities and disagreements. When the parties have a working relationship that allows them to work through implementation challenges, they are far more likely to achieve the value they intended in the deal.
Without it, differences of opinion take longer to resolve, parties become uncooperative, and before you know it, someone is calling in the lawyers. A positive relationship contributes to realizing value; a lack of one destroys.
Two Mistakes To Avoid
Parties sometimes think they can buy the relationship by making concessions. It's a common mistake, based on the assumption that if we give in, they will like us and treat us well.
There is nothing wrong with showing someone kindness. But as we’ve all learned the hard way, if you make concessions when a counterpart is being difficult, that just teaches them how to get more concessions. You can build a relationship by doing the hard work of problem-solving and by keeping your word. But buying one with discounts doesn’t work.
Equally problematic is thinking that the relationship doesn't really matter: that "what happens in this negotiation stays in this negotiation." What may (or may not) be true about Las Vegas is definitely not true when it comes to negotiating with parties we may have to work with again later.
Whether it is during the implementation of this deal, in the next one, or some other time when you least expect it, your actions in this negotiation will come back to haunt you. And likely, at the worst possible time, when leverage has shifted or when you find your counterpart in a new role or at a different company. The relationship you build (or damage) during a negotiation becomes part of your baggage and your reputation.
Build The Relationship As You Negotiate
Working on negotiations over everything from peacemaking in Latin America to putting together complex global transactions, I have found a few things that work consistently. It’s not about playing a round of golf or getting the other side to like us. It’s about doing those things that make it easier to collaborate and solve problems together.
1. Be purposeful.
Effective working relationships don’t just happen; you have to work at building them. And doing so takes energy. Don’t just "be nice" because that sounds good.
Start by imagining the kind of relationship that will get you through the negotiation and beyond. Now work back from the kind of relationship you want, and ask yourself, "What do I need to start doing now to create it?"
2. Be reliable.
If your counterparty finds you untrustworthy, they are not likely to be persuaded, share information or engage in problem-solving. Be creative, but mean what you say, and deliver on your commitments.
3. Get curious.
Ask questions (and listen) to let your counterparts know that you are fully engaged with them in trying to understand and solve a problem. You might also learn things that help you solve both your problem and theirs.
4. Take their interests into account too.
Show them your approach to the negotiation is not entirely zero-sum. Any opportunity to "get on the same side" is good for the relationship and for creating value.
5. Help them explain the outcome.
Every negotiator has to explain their deals to someone, whether it's a boss, partner or themselves when they look in the mirror. If they can't, that's not just their problem. Help them think through why the deal makes sense, under their own standards and criteria, to put both of you on the same side of a shared problem.
When I advise an organization about building its negotiation effectiveness, I never say "get people to like you." That advice often leads to foolhardy moves. I do tell them to build the kind of working relationship with their counterparts that will help them work through problems together, even when they disagree.
Originally published by Forbes.
